For years, when a client asked for something, my instinct was to say yes and deliver it as soon as possible. I wanted them to feel they were a priority, so I responded without even asking when they needed it.
One project stays with me. After several late nights, I sent the finished work and immediately received the client’s autoresponder. They were out of the office until the following week.
No one had asked me to rush. I offered the date. Without ever saying it, I taught my clients that last-minute was always possible, and that speed came before my best thinking. That was never the rule I intended to create.
What changed? I began asking a simple question: “When do you need this?” Most often, the answer gave me the time I needed to deliver a well-thought-through idea at the standard I expect of myself.
If I created a rule like that with clients without meaning to, imagine the rules you are creating as leaders with your teams every day.
Your boundaries are your unwritten rules
Your boundaries are the line between what you accept and what you don’t. Some you set intentionally. Others you create without realizing it.
Because boundaries are different for everyone, they’re rarely written down. People can’t know yours in advance; they learn them by watching where you hold the line and where you let it slide.
That’s how boundaries become the unwritten rules of how people work with you. You may never tell your team that you’re available at any time or that every request is urgent. But if that’s what they consistently experience, that’s what they learn. And when those experiences repeat across the team, that becomes the culture.
Intention isn’t the same as experience
Consider a leader who answers emails late at night instead of scheduling them to send in the morning. The leader may simply think, I’m getting things done when I have the time. The team may experience something very different: If I’m not answering at 11 p.m., I’m not committed.
The same is true when a leader repeatedly says yes to one more request. The intention may be helpfulness. The experience may be that capacity is unlimited and everything can be absorbed.
Your intention matters. But your team doesn’t see your intention. They experience your behaviour. That gap is where most unwritten rules are born.
What people learn about working with you
You don’t have to formally tell people how to work with you. They figure it out.
- If you’re constantly available, people learn that your time is theirs.
- If you routinely take on one more request without discussing what needs to move, they learn that priorities can be added without consequence.
- If you protect your commitments and make trade-offs visible, they learn that priorities require choices.
- If you invite challenge and respond thoughtfully when someone disagrees, they learn that candour is welcome.
- If you address missed commitments rather than absorbing them, they learn that accountability matters.
- If you recognize contribution and don’t treat people as an endless source of capacity, they learn that people matter, not just the work they produce.
This is where availability and reliability part ways. Being reachable at any moment can feel supportive, but it creates dependency and makes everything feel urgent. Reliability means people know when they can reach you, what needs your involvement, which commitments you’ll protect and what happens when priorities collide. It also develops your team’s capacity to solve independently.
Every interaction offers the opportunity to teach. When a team member catches you on the way to a meeting and says, “It’ll only take a minute,” you might respond: “I don’t want to keep the group waiting and want to give you my full attention. I’ll be free at 2:30.” This honours both the person and your commitment. Being there at 2:30 is what turns it into a standard people can rely on and repeat.
The rules you create under pressure
Boundaries are also tested when a new priority lands on a full plate. The temptation is to absorb it quietly. The stronger choice is to make the trade-off visible:
“I can take this on. Here are the priorities I’m currently committed to. If this needs to move to the top, one of these will need to be delayed. Which would you like me to move?”
This is taking ownership: giving your leader the information they need to decide, while you stay accountable to the commitments already in motion. If everything still needs to get done, the conversation can move to the support, resources or timing that would make it possible.
There will be times when a client issue or critical deadline means you need to flex. That’s leadership judgment and doesn’t mean the boundary failed. What matters is whether the flex is named: what changes, why, what will move and when expectations will reset.
One exception doesn’t create a culture. Repeated, unnamed exceptions do.
The rules people learn from you
The boundaries you hold don’t only teach people how to work with you. They shape what becomes acceptable around you.
If disrespect is tolerated, people notice. If some people can miss commitments or bypass agreed processes while others are held to them, people notice. And if a leader makes it safe to disagree, addresses difficult behaviour and treats people with respect while holding a firm line, people notice that too.
A boundary is more than the rule. It’s the standard you demonstrate. That’s why how you hold a boundary matters as much as the boundary itself. A boundary delivered with disregard creates distance. A boundary held with clarity, consistency and respect builds trust.
When the unacceptable becomes acceptable
Boundaries aren’t usually tested in the big moments. They’re tested on a Thursday afternoon when you’re tired, the conversation feels like a big lift, you don’t have the time and letting it slide seems easier than holding the line.
That’s the moment the unacceptable quietly becomes acceptable.
Each slide feels small. But every time you let something go, you either create a new unwritten rule or reinforce one that already exists. And when you hold a boundary one day and move it the next, the inconsistency creates uncertainty about what’s expected. People learn that your boundaries depend on the day.
Self-awareness is recognizing that moment while you’re in it. Then take it one step further and look at the rules you’ve already created:
- Notice the gap. That gap is your leadership work.
- Write down three standards you want people to learn from working with you.
- Ask your team what they’ve learned. What can they count on from you? What do they work around?
What does it feel like to work with you?
Every leader is creating unwritten rules, intentionally or not.
What are people learning from the boundaries you hold, and from the ones you let slide? What have you taught them to expect from you, and from one another?
Your team already knows what it feels like to work with you. The question is whether you do.
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